After His departure Angela began to screech and cry out in a loud voice; shamelessly she kept shouting,
Love unknown, why do you leave me?
And she could not say anything else. She kept shouting without shame:
Love unknown, why, why, why?!
Yet these words were covered with her screams and were not expressed ineligibly. And He left her with a certainty that He was truly God. And she cried out wanting to die. And her pain was great because she remained alive. Then all her joints were dislocated.
After returning home, Angela felt a peaceful sweetness so intense she did not know how to put it into words and there was also in her a desire to die. To continue living for her was a great sorrow because of that peaceful, quiet, delightful, inexpressible sweetness. She wanted to go to that sweetness which she was feeling, so that she would never lose it, that is why she wanted to die and leave this world.
Lord, have pity on me; don’t allow me to stay in this world any longer.
And I asked God to let me pour out all my blood for His love just as He had
done for me. And I was determined because of His love to want all the parts of
my body to suffer a death more vile than His. And I kept thinking and wanting
to find someone to kill me, provided I could be rightfully killed for faith in Him
or love of Him; I would ask my killer that since Christ was crucified on a tree,
he should crucify me in a ditch or in some vile place and in a most vile way.
And because I was not worthy to die as saints die, I would ask my killer to
make sure I died a long and vile death. And I was not able to think of a death
as vile as I desired; in fact, it was very painful that I, completely unworthy to
die as the saints die, could not find a vile death for myself.
(selections from Angela of Foligno Memorial)